I was going to write this in Chinese, for some reason.  However this computer won't let me, and I thought if I don't write my feelings down this moment, I will never be able to capture and express it again.

 

 I've been to a party last night, or more like a dinner get-together thing.  For the first time, I wasnt the focus throughout the whole night, I felt I was being left out.  Not only that I don't know everyone well, but it's more to do with the feeling that the people at the party are a little resisted to getting to know me well.  I sensed that becoming friends with everyone would be very difficult.  No matter how much I open myself, people would not let my sincerity fly in.  Oh well, is this a cultural difference? I do feel that getting close with Japanese are very hard, U can make good frds with them, but only good frds. Forever I am a foreigner.

 

Something else that I thought was whether it is the widest decision to move from a small city to a big one this year.  Obviously there is no going back,but still spending a few days in the big city has made me feel that with the current age, I might fit into a rural city better that I thought.  I am very used to the VIP status, the warm hospitality and the sincere respect from the local people. Where as in Kumamoto, how much of these will I get?  From a foreigner's point of view, do I want this lifestyle? Do I care more about my own feelings or how easy I can shop and do businesses?

 

The last thing is I miss NZ.  Japan is good, in its unique way.  There is only one thing that it's not so good.  Japan will never make me feel at home as NZ does.  I wasnt born in NZ, but it has been my home for so many years.  No matter how slow the market is, how bad the economy is, how its prosperity can never be compared with Japan, it is my home.  It makes feel safe, calm and relaxed. It's hard to deny that I do think in the NZ way most of the time, I do view things differently with the Japanese, and I dont intend to change who I am, coz it would make me feel I am no longer who I am.

 

Recently I've been thinking, maybe people around me have given me the best advice.  I should date someone who shares a similar background with me.  Someone who understands my multiple cultures, backgrounds and languages.  Someone who knows how both sex should share housework; how man should take more loads in occasions and takes good care of his the other half; how to avoid exposing one's happiness in front of the other half to make her not feel sad or lonely.  I should just go and find a man who's more like myself, so when I talk, he would understatnd exactly how I feel, and won't do things that I find so disappointing.

 

I went to a fate reader last nite.  she got me to draw a few cards, and she referred back to her little colourful book for explanations.  As I asked for marriage, she told me that next year would be a good yr to tie the knot, or if I missed it, 2012 and 2013 would be even better. hehe